The experience of meeting my newborn baby was nothing short of meeting a movie star. I feel like I already know it.
Before I peeked into his eyes, I loved him. At that time all I knew was that I was ready to do anything to keep this baby safe. Even though I didn't know if I would be able to do anything for myself.
When I and my boyfriend found out in 2010 that I was pregnant, we were both shocked, we were not expecting it.
We didn't even live together, and I was earning just enough to earn my living.
Another major problem was that I had been battling mental illness for two years.
Also read
Mother and father's second marriage and children
After we found out about pregnancy, we decided to have a baby when both of us handled a little. We were nervous and emotional.
'Borderline Personality Disorder'
One year ago, at the age of 26, I discovered about my illness, Borderline Personality Disorder. It is also called the 'Emotional Scalability Personality Fear Order' (partial imbalance).
BPD is often characterized by negative thoughts and emotional but unstable relationships with others.
I feel very calm from the outside but I have a lot of emotional warfare going on inside.
As soon as something good happens in my life, negative thoughts start pouring in my heart. As if I'm not capable of doing anything good to me. I get the impression that whatever is happening is not good enough, there is no need to deceive myself.
The year I found out about BPD, I was raped the same year. I've been harming myself since the age of fifteen. After the sexual abuse incident, I was bitten and burned.
I started to have unhealthy relationships to forge bad memories. I also started drinking too much and I was running away from getting any kind of professional help.
Volatile experiences
When I found out that I was pregnant, I was shocked that a new life would be born from the same body.
When I first met my boyfriend, I used to joke about hating men. I tried to handle these things by myself.
Also read
Pregnancy pills, but for men
Finally he asked me what caused the bitterness. Hearing it as if something inside me was broken. I knew I could trust this person. I told him about the incident.
As my pregnancy journey progressed I realized the real ups and downs. Many times I felt very happy. My boyfriend gave me a lot of love and took care of me. It also set a balance in our lives with my changing moods.
Then one day a work colleague told me that my stomach was too small for pregnancy. Upon hearing this, I went into the bathroom and started crying.
I began to think that my body couldn't keep the baby safe. Is this a sign of being a bad mother?
You might think this is a stupid idea, but my brain doesn't think like normal brains.
I got caught up in these thoughts and started telling people what was happening to me. I was embarrassed that I couldn't be the mom I thought I was. A passionate, passionate and happy mother.
About six months later, my condition worsened. With the hospital midwife, I either felt suffocated or lost all my anxiety.
Women with mental illness
It is not that only mothers like me suffer from mental disorders during pregnancy and after childbirth. More than a third of new mothers suffer from mental illness, according to the BBC LifeFave 2017 survey.
But, as soon as I enlisted the help of my partner, everything changed. I started meeting people, building a support network around myself, and meeting other moms like myself.
The first few weeks after the baby's birth are very emotional. I could hardly sleep. I was constantly watching to see if my daughter was breathing.
We took a taxi back from the hospital. Every time the taxi leapt, I was worried about the risk of a baby's life. He had to take care of everything he needed, to breastfeed, to keep the room temperature right, to make sure he was lying in the swing. The only solution to my constant worry about the baby was to stay with her for 24 hours.
Feeling of love
Slowly, the love between me and my daughter began to grow. I started to know it when I stopped worrying about it.
To overcome loneliness I found ways to get out of the house, such as going to a playgroup, going to a supermarket or a park.
I also made new friends, most notably Rosie and Mary, whom I met on Instagram.
My relationship with my boyfriend also got better. We became a strong team. But sometimes when the two were so tired, it was difficult to stop the discussion.
Once we had a fight over a small thing in the park. I walked out and left, and I left the girl to him.
After a while I felt as if someone was coming after me. See, I had a boyfriend. He said, 'You carried a Napi bag.' We both laughed at hearing this
Before I peeked into his eyes, I loved him. At that time all I knew was that I was ready to do anything to keep this baby safe. Even though I didn't know if I would be able to do anything for myself.
When I and my boyfriend found out in 2010 that I was pregnant, we were both shocked, we were not expecting it.
We didn't even live together, and I was earning just enough to earn my living.
Another major problem was that I had been battling mental illness for two years.
Also read
Mother and father's second marriage and children
After we found out about pregnancy, we decided to have a baby when both of us handled a little. We were nervous and emotional.
'Borderline Personality Disorder'
One year ago, at the age of 26, I discovered about my illness, Borderline Personality Disorder. It is also called the 'Emotional Scalability Personality Fear Order' (partial imbalance).
BPD is often characterized by negative thoughts and emotional but unstable relationships with others.
I feel very calm from the outside but I have a lot of emotional warfare going on inside.
As soon as something good happens in my life, negative thoughts start pouring in my heart. As if I'm not capable of doing anything good to me. I get the impression that whatever is happening is not good enough, there is no need to deceive myself.
The year I found out about BPD, I was raped the same year. I've been harming myself since the age of fifteen. After the sexual abuse incident, I was bitten and burned.
I started to have unhealthy relationships to forge bad memories. I also started drinking too much and I was running away from getting any kind of professional help.
Volatile experiences
When I found out that I was pregnant, I was shocked that a new life would be born from the same body.
When I first met my boyfriend, I used to joke about hating men. I tried to handle these things by myself.
Also read
Pregnancy pills, but for men
Finally he asked me what caused the bitterness. Hearing it as if something inside me was broken. I knew I could trust this person. I told him about the incident.
As my pregnancy journey progressed I realized the real ups and downs. Many times I felt very happy. My boyfriend gave me a lot of love and took care of me. It also set a balance in our lives with my changing moods.
Then one day a work colleague told me that my stomach was too small for pregnancy. Upon hearing this, I went into the bathroom and started crying.
I began to think that my body couldn't keep the baby safe. Is this a sign of being a bad mother?
You might think this is a stupid idea, but my brain doesn't think like normal brains.
I got caught up in these thoughts and started telling people what was happening to me. I was embarrassed that I couldn't be the mom I thought I was. A passionate, passionate and happy mother.
About six months later, my condition worsened. With the hospital midwife, I either felt suffocated or lost all my anxiety.
Women with mental illness
It is not that only mothers like me suffer from mental disorders during pregnancy and after childbirth. More than a third of new mothers suffer from mental illness, according to the BBC LifeFave 2017 survey.
But, as soon as I enlisted the help of my partner, everything changed. I started meeting people, building a support network around myself, and meeting other moms like myself.
The first few weeks after the baby's birth are very emotional. I could hardly sleep. I was constantly watching to see if my daughter was breathing.
We took a taxi back from the hospital. Every time the taxi leapt, I was worried about the risk of a baby's life. He had to take care of everything he needed, to breastfeed, to keep the room temperature right, to make sure he was lying in the swing. The only solution to my constant worry about the baby was to stay with her for 24 hours.
Feeling of love
Slowly, the love between me and my daughter began to grow. I started to know it when I stopped worrying about it.
To overcome loneliness I found ways to get out of the house, such as going to a playgroup, going to a supermarket or a park.
I also made new friends, most notably Rosie and Mary, whom I met on Instagram.
My relationship with my boyfriend also got better. We became a strong team. But sometimes when the two were so tired, it was difficult to stop the discussion.
Once we had a fight over a small thing in the park. I walked out and left, and I left the girl to him.
After a while I felt as if someone was coming after me. See, I had a boyfriend. He said, 'You carried a Napi bag.' We both laughed at hearing this
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